Dunkin Donuts gave me a free chocolate sprinkles "for the baby".
This week was one I'd like to erase. All my pregnancy posts have had a positive tone up until this point so if that's what you're expecting just skip this one and come back later. Things are getting real today.
I don't think that I can blame everything on hormones, as a few weeks of increased work stress, a sudden bout of sleepless nights (tossing and turning and needing the restroom every hour - I do NOT function well on lack of sleep, which has always been the case and a major concern for when baby girl arrives), and an overall uncomfortable feeling (back pain still, bigger belly, etc.), could have equally contributed but it all just became too much this week. My patience meter was set at zero, and my tolerance for stupidity, annoying-ness, and frustrating situations was non-existent.
It was like having an alien take over your body. Many times I thought, "Who is this person and what has she done with me"?? I didn't want to be at the office, I didn't want to be home. I wanted to be productive but didn't feel like doing anything, and then felt irritated for wasting time. I felt bored and restless but lacking ambition. I would pull the car over to cry for no reason at all. And all along I was aware of it, which would almost make me chuckle in way, but yet I couldn't control it. Everything felt like too much, then I would get angry for this sudden change. (I've felt so happy, so alive, so good. Is this a sign that my golden trimester is nearing and end? Am I going to feel like this until December?? Somebody pleeeease make it stop!) I took a depressing walk around the neighborhood (which you know I typically LOVE) and suddenly perked up looking at a baby bunny and anticipating being able to share a moment like this with my daughter someday. And when I realized I was standing alone, on a college campus with people everywhere, staring at a rabbit with a huge smile on my face I felt like a huge psycho and got mad. I tried to think of things that would get me excited or hopefully pull me out of it, like tasks I needed to do for our baby shower, or researching items for our registry, but it would only make me feel overwhelmed. There was literally nothing I could do but ride the wave. And what a crappy wave.
I know it's part of the process. And I was digging deep not to be hateful and impatient, but it took every ounce of energy I could muster. At one point I considered the pros of being in physical pain rather than mental agony. And yes, I know there are bigger problems in the world, and this is all sounding a bit dramatic. But I'm not apologizing for keeping it real up in here.
In other news, the baby is totally fine, which is kind of the only thing that kept me going. My belly button is now flat, and a little tender. We've been eating loads of fresh veggies and fruits, it all tastes so amazing lately. I'm gaining exactly one pound per week, while she's about the size of a cauliflower and around 13 inches long. And we're both putting our faith in week 26 being much, much better.